When the defending MLS champion Los Angeles Galaxy play the Kansas City Wizards today, Mia Hamm will start up front for LA.
“If Annika can do it, I can, too,” Hamm said at a press conference yesterday evening.
At the same press conference, a spokesperson for the Galaxy was overheard to say, “if Annika can bring Tiger Woods-sized galleries to a tin cup tournament in Fort Worth and get millions of people who’ve always regarded golf on TV as a cheap narcotic to watch the tournament all morning one day and all afternoon the next, maybe Mia can do the job for us.”
Within the hour, George Gund, the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, overruled his general manager and announced that his club would not use its lottery pick to grab Lebron James, the best high school player in the country. “No Siree,” Gund smiled. “We’re trading that pick to the WNBA’s Seattle Storm for Sue Bird, so say goodbye to all those empty seats.”
Remarkably, though the Mighty Duck most responsible for Anaheim’s run toward the Stanley Cup this spring has been Jean Sebastian Giguere, he, too, has been replaced. A spokeswoman for the Disney Company announced that Women’s U.S. National Hockey Team Captain Cammie Granato would replace Giguere, because Granato is “rested, ready, and unencumbered by a second x-chromosome.”
Not to be outdone, the New York Yankees have announced that Olympic gold medal winning softball pitcher Dot Richardson will take the place of Roger Clemens when the Yanks host the Boston Red Sox on Memorial Day.
“I know, I know,” blustered Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. “Everybody wants to see Roger go for win number 300. But who knows how long the Annika Effect will last? We’d have to be nuts not to take advantage of it. Heck, Roger’s only 40, 41, something like that. Think how exciting it’ll be to see Dottie get win number one in the big leagues! They’ll be dozens of chances for Roger to win another game between now and October, and if Dottie pitches well enough to take his spot, maybe Roger can win one in relief.”
When informed of Mr. Steinbrenner’s remarks, President George Bush smirked, shrugged, and called a press conference of his own to shock the nation by turning the country over to Hillary Clinton, because, as Mr. Bush put it, “if a woman’s place is in that Colonial, then a woman’s place is in this White House. I can read a poll as well as the next man. There’s no point spitting into history’s hurricane. Besides, this’ll give me more time to work on my short game.”
And you thought Annika wouldn’t change anything.